Guide to Understanding the Primaries

(photo cred: unknown)

Since it is increasingly difficult to follow exactly how the Democratic nomination for President will be determined, perhaps the Clinton campaign should provide this handy guide to what should count and what should not in the primary process - based on their recent spinning.

Things that DON’T count:

- Caucus states. These votes are driven by charisma-crazed voters who cannot be trusted to make sound decisions.

- States with a high percentage of African-American voters. They are “proud” of my opponent and are voting just based on race.

- States with a high percentage of well-educated voters. George H. W. Bush was the “Education President” after all.

- Red states. We’re going to lose them anyway, so their Democrats don’t count in America. (Exception: Texas counts if I win. If not, it didn't count.)

- Small states. This is a big country. Only big states matter in the United States.

- Super delegates who vote in line with their state’s primary results.

Things that DO count:

- States that officially don’t count. If my opponent was so naïve as to follow the DNC rules and withdraw his name from the Michigan ballot, and to not campaign in Florida while I attended highly publicized “fund-raisers” the day before the primary, and a highly pre-announced “victory” celebration, he is not ready on day-one to be President. Candidates ready to lead know that Presidents make their own rules (see: Current Administration).

- States with a high percentage of Latino voters. They would never vote for me based just on the race of my opponent.

- States with a high percentage of lower-income white voters. PLEASE no one tell them that my opponent grew up in a household to a single mom on food stamps, while I just loaned my campaign $5 million. It would cut into my base.

- Blue states. We democrats are going to win them anyway, so it doesn't matter who wins the primary. (oops - I didn't mean to say that)

- Big states. Except those where my opponent lives, or has ever lived.

- Super delegates who vote in fear of my wrath should I win.

Now, doesn’t that make selecting our nominee much simpler?

*[should be] provided courtesy of the Clinton campaign*